First time commenter; I got the email digest that a new article was out, and I only had the chance to skim through, but what was said about psychosis and the experience of it—that really resonated with my own incident and it's relieving to know I'm not alone in the experience.
Among other things, the episode underscored to me how much we ~really~ can’t assume much about other people’s experiences of a given moment. They can be ~very~ different from our own...
I was a bit vague earlier due to being in the middle of the work day, but what I meant to connect with was *how* you described the moment. It was really reminiscent of how I was perceiving reality during what I can only assume was a manic episode.
This might be an overshare so feel free to disregard from this point forward: I had a lot of feelings of paranoia and felt convinced that every little coincidence meant the universe was sending me messages. I was uncharacteristically outgoing during this period of my life, too, striking up conversations with just about everyone. A family friend even said I was displaying signs of a manic episode, so—long story short, thank you for affording a stranger a moment of human connection.
That was very much my experience as well... I feel that the effect was exacerbated by how easy it is to contact people these days: I reached out to just about everyone I had ever known—people I hadn’t spoken to in a decade—and more than a few of them could tell that I was “off.”
I do think that there is some poetic truth to the notion that events align in ways that produce beauty and meaning, but it’s important not to read into things ~too~ much, or to put excessive stock into any one interpretation.
Anyway, I was anxious about putting some of that stuff into a public forum so I am glad to hear that you connected with it!
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this. I experienced my first manic episode last summer and had a very parallel experience to yours. I appreciate the nuance with which you talk about the experience--as I’ve sought to read similar experiences from others, I’ve found that most people either describe their mania or psychosis in a sort of embarrassed way that writes off the experience to randomness (“I just went off the rails for a bit”) or, rarely, as some kind of pure spiritual experience that shouldn’t be medicalized (see: “Am I Bipolar or Am I Waking Up?”) My actual experience was like yours--deeply spiritual, meaningful, chaotic, full of symbolism, destructive, and yeah, in parts, shameful and out of character.
So much of the shame and depression that followed for me was due to a lack of opportunity to meaningfully process the experience. My amazing former therapist, who works psychodynamically, literally had no idea what to do with me in a manic state and discharged me as a client after 2 years! She basically freaked out and refused to engage with me on a therapeutic level other than pushing me aggressively toward medical treatment, which I was looking for regardless. I believe that the things we experience in mania and psychosis have some kind of psychological purpose, even if we don’t understand it all yet. I could keep rambling about this, but I’ll stop here. thanks again!
I am glad that you connected with it! I find that the way I talk about my experience shifts a bit depending on who I am talking to and in what context—some people will get weirded out or overwhelmed and not know what to say. It is unfortunate to hear that your therapist had that response, but there are others out there who are willing to engage with this stuff.
(Also, I have found it really helpful to talk to other bipolar people. They tend to be very understanding and non-judgmental!)
Yes! I attend a weekly support group with other bipolar folks--it's so liberating to be like 'do you ever have flashbacks to every embarrassing thing you did in the manic times?' and everyone's nodding their head like YEUP. Particularly grateful for a handful of bipolar elders who have made it through many years/decades and come to share some wisdom and validation!
I have Schizoaffective Disorder. My big breakdown came after surviving a punishing marriage, only to find myself two years later paranoid; seeing people at my windows at night, and unable to leave the house. After six weeks with not answering the phone or door the police department came to my darkened home to perform a wellness check and took me to the hospital. I spent 18 months in an institution that was closed several years ago by Republican Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds. I credit that institution with saving my life.
I spent more time in an outpatient community mental health program and eventually purchased a condo, which I’m now selling to move into assisted living. My manic episodes have been sometimes humorous, if not ridiculous and stupid, like the time I took my Ford Taurus to the dealership for an oil change and went home with a new BMW. AND of course saw the need to break in the engine properly, working it up to 125 mph. Justifying it as what should be done and in my authority to do as a new BMW owner. Of course had I been picked up for speeding, law enforcement would have cut up my license on the spot, but that never occurred to me. And I couldn’t understand why my family wasn’t enthusiastic about my purchase. I chalked it up to sour grapes.
Even with treatment medication and therapy my Schizoaffective Disorder has not been easy to treat. From rats on the floor and huge spiders dropping from the ceiling, to the belief that men dressed as killer clowns were disrobing me for an operation while I lay in bed have left me frozen, unable to scream out for help.
I don’t watch horror films for this very reason. My mind’s reality is too scary q ttqQo need any interjecting from outside elements.
thanks so much for writing this! so much nuance, compassion, understanding - it feels really helpful to read your integrated perspective while im inside of an experience that sounds like it has a lot in common with what youre describing.
ive always felt really cautious around getting diagnostic labels for myself, and im starting to examine that! if you dont mind me asking, what do you feel like youve gotten out of trying on labels like schizoaffective and bipolar?
I love how you phrased the question; it’s important to recognize that these are ultimately just words that gesture at experiences rather than encapsulate or narrowly define them.
Bipolar has had a few benefits: It helps me make sense of the severe episode that I experienced last summer as existing on a spectrum with other periods in which I have been unusually outgoing or energetic, and is also helpful for connecting with other people who can relate. If someone self-identifies as bipolar, they are likely to have experienced something roughly similar to what I did. As a medical diagnosis it also led me to a depakote prescription, which I have thus far found to be useful.
As for schizoaffective... it has been challenging for me to adequately explain the state that I was in last summer or some of the behavior that it produced. I have accepted that other people don’t need to fully understand these things — at the end of the day each of us only has access to our own experiences; language fails everyone at some point — but I find that it underscores the extent to which I was really perceiving reality in a way that diverged quite a bit from the mean.
I used to be more resistant to these kinds of labels. Over time I have come to see that they don’t need to be scary, particularly if one owns them self-confidently and on their own terms.
I love meditation… other than that, really just the basic stuff that everyone recommends. Going outside, setting aside time for personal upkeep like cooking.
The “demonic possession” thing is interesting. I sort of think of it as an extreme form of compartmentalization; refusing to accept one’s thoughts as one’s own.
I didn’t get into the weeds of this in the essay because imo the details are beside the point, but when I was fully psychotic I believed that my body was being occupied by several demons. I came to “learn” that demons are the spirits of dead people that God periodically sends back to the mortal plane to teach people hard lessons as part of their atonement and eventual release from hell or purgatory. One was a version of my former psychoanalyst, from a timeline in which he had been a negligent father to a son who had committed suicide. He was trying to use his intimate knowledge of my life to burn bridges so that he could fully possess my body and have a clean slate to have another go at being a father. Another was Ted Kaczynski, also from a different timeline, who had “learned the true meaning of love” and was remorseful about killing people. He was trying to ward off my psychoanalyst and protect me as part of a process of transcending to heaven; in doing so he had to overcome the temptation of permanently possessing me, bc the “Evan Malmgren” persona would have allowed him to peacefully publish anti-tech writing (lol).
Anyway… as you can see, all of that is pretty crazy, but it did leave me with a lot to interpret!
First time commenter; I got the email digest that a new article was out, and I only had the chance to skim through, but what was said about psychosis and the experience of it—that really resonated with my own incident and it's relieving to know I'm not alone in the experience.
Thank you for writing and sharing this.
Thank ~you~ for reading and for sharing ~this!~
Among other things, the episode underscored to me how much we ~really~ can’t assume much about other people’s experiences of a given moment. They can be ~very~ different from our own...
Absolutely. And sadly that seems to be what most people do most of the time: Assume.
I was a bit vague earlier due to being in the middle of the work day, but what I meant to connect with was *how* you described the moment. It was really reminiscent of how I was perceiving reality during what I can only assume was a manic episode.
This might be an overshare so feel free to disregard from this point forward: I had a lot of feelings of paranoia and felt convinced that every little coincidence meant the universe was sending me messages. I was uncharacteristically outgoing during this period of my life, too, striking up conversations with just about everyone. A family friend even said I was displaying signs of a manic episode, so—long story short, thank you for affording a stranger a moment of human connection.
That was very much my experience as well... I feel that the effect was exacerbated by how easy it is to contact people these days: I reached out to just about everyone I had ever known—people I hadn’t spoken to in a decade—and more than a few of them could tell that I was “off.”
I do think that there is some poetic truth to the notion that events align in ways that produce beauty and meaning, but it’s important not to read into things ~too~ much, or to put excessive stock into any one interpretation.
Anyway, I was anxious about putting some of that stuff into a public forum so I am glad to hear that you connected with it!
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this. I experienced my first manic episode last summer and had a very parallel experience to yours. I appreciate the nuance with which you talk about the experience--as I’ve sought to read similar experiences from others, I’ve found that most people either describe their mania or psychosis in a sort of embarrassed way that writes off the experience to randomness (“I just went off the rails for a bit”) or, rarely, as some kind of pure spiritual experience that shouldn’t be medicalized (see: “Am I Bipolar or Am I Waking Up?”) My actual experience was like yours--deeply spiritual, meaningful, chaotic, full of symbolism, destructive, and yeah, in parts, shameful and out of character.
So much of the shame and depression that followed for me was due to a lack of opportunity to meaningfully process the experience. My amazing former therapist, who works psychodynamically, literally had no idea what to do with me in a manic state and discharged me as a client after 2 years! She basically freaked out and refused to engage with me on a therapeutic level other than pushing me aggressively toward medical treatment, which I was looking for regardless. I believe that the things we experience in mania and psychosis have some kind of psychological purpose, even if we don’t understand it all yet. I could keep rambling about this, but I’ll stop here. thanks again!
thanks for sharing this experience! it's a shame we don't have more nuanced ways of talking about all of this
👏👏❤️
I am glad that you connected with it! I find that the way I talk about my experience shifts a bit depending on who I am talking to and in what context—some people will get weirded out or overwhelmed and not know what to say. It is unfortunate to hear that your therapist had that response, but there are others out there who are willing to engage with this stuff.
(Also, I have found it really helpful to talk to other bipolar people. They tend to be very understanding and non-judgmental!)
Yes! I attend a weekly support group with other bipolar folks--it's so liberating to be like 'do you ever have flashbacks to every embarrassing thing you did in the manic times?' and everyone's nodding their head like YEUP. Particularly grateful for a handful of bipolar elders who have made it through many years/decades and come to share some wisdom and validation!
I have Schizoaffective Disorder. My big breakdown came after surviving a punishing marriage, only to find myself two years later paranoid; seeing people at my windows at night, and unable to leave the house. After six weeks with not answering the phone or door the police department came to my darkened home to perform a wellness check and took me to the hospital. I spent 18 months in an institution that was closed several years ago by Republican Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds. I credit that institution with saving my life.
I spent more time in an outpatient community mental health program and eventually purchased a condo, which I’m now selling to move into assisted living. My manic episodes have been sometimes humorous, if not ridiculous and stupid, like the time I took my Ford Taurus to the dealership for an oil change and went home with a new BMW. AND of course saw the need to break in the engine properly, working it up to 125 mph. Justifying it as what should be done and in my authority to do as a new BMW owner. Of course had I been picked up for speeding, law enforcement would have cut up my license on the spot, but that never occurred to me. And I couldn’t understand why my family wasn’t enthusiastic about my purchase. I chalked it up to sour grapes.
Even with treatment medication and therapy my Schizoaffective Disorder has not been easy to treat. From rats on the floor and huge spiders dropping from the ceiling, to the belief that men dressed as killer clowns were disrobing me for an operation while I lay in bed have left me frozen, unable to scream out for help.
I don’t watch horror films for this very reason. My mind’s reality is too scary q ttqQo need any interjecting from outside elements.
thanks so much for writing this! so much nuance, compassion, understanding - it feels really helpful to read your integrated perspective while im inside of an experience that sounds like it has a lot in common with what youre describing.
ive always felt really cautious around getting diagnostic labels for myself, and im starting to examine that! if you dont mind me asking, what do you feel like youve gotten out of trying on labels like schizoaffective and bipolar?
I love how you phrased the question; it’s important to recognize that these are ultimately just words that gesture at experiences rather than encapsulate or narrowly define them.
Bipolar has had a few benefits: It helps me make sense of the severe episode that I experienced last summer as existing on a spectrum with other periods in which I have been unusually outgoing or energetic, and is also helpful for connecting with other people who can relate. If someone self-identifies as bipolar, they are likely to have experienced something roughly similar to what I did. As a medical diagnosis it also led me to a depakote prescription, which I have thus far found to be useful.
As for schizoaffective... it has been challenging for me to adequately explain the state that I was in last summer or some of the behavior that it produced. I have accepted that other people don’t need to fully understand these things — at the end of the day each of us only has access to our own experiences; language fails everyone at some point — but I find that it underscores the extent to which I was really perceiving reality in a way that diverged quite a bit from the mean.
I used to be more resistant to these kinds of labels. Over time I have come to see that they don’t need to be scary, particularly if one owns them self-confidently and on their own terms.
I love meditation… other than that, really just the basic stuff that everyone recommends. Going outside, setting aside time for personal upkeep like cooking.
The “demonic possession” thing is interesting. I sort of think of it as an extreme form of compartmentalization; refusing to accept one’s thoughts as one’s own.
I didn’t get into the weeds of this in the essay because imo the details are beside the point, but when I was fully psychotic I believed that my body was being occupied by several demons. I came to “learn” that demons are the spirits of dead people that God periodically sends back to the mortal plane to teach people hard lessons as part of their atonement and eventual release from hell or purgatory. One was a version of my former psychoanalyst, from a timeline in which he had been a negligent father to a son who had committed suicide. He was trying to use his intimate knowledge of my life to burn bridges so that he could fully possess my body and have a clean slate to have another go at being a father. Another was Ted Kaczynski, also from a different timeline, who had “learned the true meaning of love” and was remorseful about killing people. He was trying to ward off my psychoanalyst and protect me as part of a process of transcending to heaven; in doing so he had to overcome the temptation of permanently possessing me, bc the “Evan Malmgren” persona would have allowed him to peacefully publish anti-tech writing (lol).
Anyway… as you can see, all of that is pretty crazy, but it did leave me with a lot to interpret!